Denae had this say about us: “Jessica took all of the stress out of planning a fun and relaxing Kauai wedding.  She was professional, timely in all of her correspondence, and very flexible.  She helped us choose the perfect location, my flowers were breathtaking, and she didn’t mind at all when we chose to write our own ceremony.  The photos that Robert took are some of the best I have seen, and we received them shortly after we arrived home. We would definitely choose Kauai Tropical Weddings again.”

Relationship experts say much more than luck is needed to stay together and beat the odds of a divorce, now estimated to end half of today’s marriages. Here, relationship experts consulted by WebMD offer their best marriage tips for how to stay lucky in love. And they go way beyond the usual tips to buy her flowers, cook his favorite meal, and remember to schedule date night.

Marriage Tip No. 1: Purge the “D’” word.

With the taste of wedding cake barely off their lips, divorce is the last thought — or word — on newlyweds’ minds. But as the honeymoon period wanes, and day-to-day difficulties crop up, the word can come up frequently during arguments for some couples, say relationship counselors.

“Just don’t go there,” suggests Steve Brody, PhD, a psychologist in Cambria, Calif., who counsels couples. “Some people pull that out much too early, and much too often in a relationship. It raises a whole level of anxiety [in the person hearing it].”

Divorce is also considered a dirty word by the more than 200 “marriage masters” interviewed for the book, Project Everlasting. Co-authors Mat Boggs and Jason Miller, bachelors and childhood buddies from Portland, Ore., traveled the country to interview the couples, married 40 or more years, and ask for their best marriage tips.

“Don’t use the D word” was one oft-repeated suggestion for keeping a happy marriage, Boggs says. These marriage masters told him, “You need all your energy to find the solution to a problem and work it out. If you are even giving any consideration to a divorce, you lessen your ability to solve the problem.”

Of course, Boggs says, the marriage masters acknowledged that some situations are deal breakers, such as addiction, adultery, or abuse. But when the problem is less severe, many of the marriage masters told him they create a “ledger of life.” They get out a piece of paper and write down everything they love about their spouse. Eventually, they shift gears and begin to focus on what is right, not what’s wrong.

Marriage Tip No. 2: Replace the 7 deadly habits in a marriage with the 7 caring habits.

Learning the seven bad habits and the seven good ones is the easy part, admit William Glasser, MD, a Los Angeles psychiatrist, and his wife, Carleen Glasser, MA, who co-authored Eight Lessons for a HappierMarriage and include this idea in their book and counseling sessions. Putting them into practice takes effort, of course.

The seven deadly habits are criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing, and bribing.

The seven caring habits include supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting, and negotiating your differences.

Marriage Tip No. 3: Take care of yourself.

This marriage tip is short and sweet: “Take care of yourself physically and spiritually,” Brody tells couples.

That way, your stress will be down and your tolerance will be up. You’ll be less likely to get on each other’s nerves — and to squabble. You’re more likely to have a happy marriage.

Marriage Tip No. 4: Discuss outside friendships.

While some married couples consider activities such as workplace friendships with members of the opposite sex acceptable, some relationship experts disagree.

“I’m not big on cross-gender friendships for married people,” Brody says. “It’s playing with fire.” One exception, in his book: If a wife has a friendship with a gay man or a husband has a friendship with a gay woman, he’s fine with that, since the romance potential is nonexistent.

Otherwise, he says, the line is too easy and tempting to cross.

Marriage Tip No. 5: Stop trying to control your partner.

It’s another one of those easier-said-than done marriage tips, of course. But trying to control each other — using a technique psychologists call “external control” — is the main source of marital unhappiness, according to the Glassers. In a happy marriage, partners know they cannot control each other.

You have practiced this “external control” if you have ever told your partner they need to behave the way you want them to or that you know what is right.

Learning not to control a partner can be a long process, but the Glassers offer some tips on educating yourself. “Think first,” Carleen Glasser says. Ask yourself: “If I can only control my own behavior, what can I do to help the marriage?” Then think of what you can change to make the problem better, she suggests.

Marriage Tip No. 6: Honor and respect your partner.

“Be honoring all the time,” says Thomas Merrill. That means no “my old lady” stories, he says. And it also means a wife shouldn’t be flirting with male co-workers or other men.

Respect was also a marriage tip that came up often from the marriage masters, Boggs says. “The No. 1 principle that almost everyone talked about is respect,” he says. “You can have respect without love, but you cannot have love without respect.”

Respect, say those with a happy marriage, means not undermining your partner in front of the children. “And don’t go outside the marriage when you are having a problem,” Boggs says they advised. “Discuss it with your partner.”

Respect also means not criticizing your mate in front of others, Miller and Boggs were often told by the marriage masters. To make this marriage tip easier to practice, consider the input of one marriage master on the topic, Boggs says. “One man told me, ‘Let’s say someone is walking by when you are criticizing your mate. That is the only opinion they have of you.’”

Marriage Tip No. 7: If you’re the wife, lower your expectations. If you’re the husband, step up to the plate.

When Steve Brody and his wife, Cathy Brody, MFT, a marriage and family counselor, toured the country to promote their book, Renew Your Marriage at Midlife, they asked audiences what they wanted from marriage.

“Women expected to be loved, cherished, listened to, cared for, and courted,” Steve Brody says. They had a long list of wants and expectations, he recalls. The men joked that their expectations were more basic: Their typical answers, Brody says: “Bring food and show up naked.”

While the men were half joking, the gaps in expectations are a good lesson. To close the gap, Brody says, women need to lower their expectations — to not expect 24/7 romance, for instance, especially if their mate has just worked an unbelievably long week.

Men need to do some of the things the woman wants, such as prioritize their relationship and listen more, he says. In a nutshell, Brody says, “Men need to do the same things at home that they do at work.” He tells the husbands he counsels to think of it this way: “Your wife is the million-dollar client. If she walks out the door, the business is closed.”

By Rachael Rettner, My Health News Daily

Generosity between spouses is a key element to a happy marriage, a new study says.

In essence, generosity is the amount of giving that goes on within a relationship, which can mean anything from making your spouse a cup of coffee, to ordering flowers or providing a back rub.

In the study, couples who reported a high amount of generosity in their relationship were five times more likely to say their marriage was “very happy,” compared with those who reported a low amount of generosity. All couples in the report had children.

When a person is generous to his or her spouse, “The underlying message is, you’re valuable, you’re important,” said Dr. Anthony Castro, an assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of Miami Miller School of Medicine, who was not involved in the study.

However, generosity was not as important as sex, researchers found. In the study, married men and women who reported above-average sexual satisfaction in their relationshipwere 10 to 13 times more likely to describe their marriage as “very happy,” compared with those who reported below average sexual satisfaction.

But factors such as generosity may make sex better, according to the study. Couples who reported high levels of generosity, commitment and quality time together also reported high levels of sexual satisfaction. And wives were more likely to be sexually satisfied if they shared household chores with their husbands.

“What happens outside of the bedroom seems to matter a great deal in predicting how happy husbands and wives are with what happens in the bedroom,” said study researcher W. Bradford Wilcox, an associate professor of sociology at the University of Virginia.

Predictors of a happy marriage
The study, part of the National Marriage Project,surveyed more than 1,400 heterosexual couples between the ages of 18 and 46.

Fifty percent of women and 46 percent of men who reported above-average generosity in their relationships described their marriages as “very happy.” On the other hand, just 14 percent of each sex with below-average generosity in their relationship described their marriage as “very happy.”

Generosity works best if you give your spouse something he or she likes, Wilcox said. “[It's] signaling to your spouse that you know them, and are trying to do things for them that are consistent with your understanding of them,” Wilcox said. But if, for example, your spouse delights in almond mochas, and you get her black coffee instead, it might not be very helpful, Wilcox said.

Based on the responses, the researchers compiled a list of the top five predictors of a very happy marriage. For men and women, sexual satisfaction ranked first, followed by level of commitment (a sense of “we-ness”), generosity and a positive attitude toward raising children. For women, the fifth factor was above-average social support from friends and family, and for men, the fifth factor was spirituality within a marriage.

Each relationship is unique
While the factors identified in this study may be a guide to a good relationship, they are based on responses from a large population and don’t necessarily apply to individual couples, Castro said.

“Every individual situation is different,” Castro said. For instance, a couple may find themselves falling into the 14 percent of couples who are very happy without a high level of generosity.

“Each specific relationship needs to be thought about individually, depending on both individual and partners’ needs,” Castro said.

The new study was conducted in partnership with the Center for Marriage and Families at the Institute for American Values, a nonprofit organization whose mission is to increase the proportion of U.S. children growing up with their two married parents.